fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
