A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
