I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
