turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
