Christians are straight up FREAKS
You can't motorboat a personality
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
