sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
