If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
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