god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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