I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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