When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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