"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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