if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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