Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
