Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
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