I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
