So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
