whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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