i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
