She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we're making bets on your personal life
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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