My hair reeks of homosexuality.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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