all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
