she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
