You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
