Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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