Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
