Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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