So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
