opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
