new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
