There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
