I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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