Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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