i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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