New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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