You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You pole danced in your parka.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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