You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
