I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
