I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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