You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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