he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
