ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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