dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
