i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
