plz talk dirty to me
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
