I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
