I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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