You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
