Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
