i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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