i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
